


From a journal of one pissed off Medic

by ride_or_bi



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Diary/Journal, Gen, Humor, Medic is done, i have achieved comedy, random German words, two mercenaries one brain cell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:28:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25938919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ride_or_bi/pseuds/ride_or_bi
Summary: Medic wrote down all the weird shit Scout and Soldier been doing lately.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 44





	1. First Day

As a man of science, I feel obliged to document what is happening lately when the Soldier and Scout are in the same room. Mein Gott!  
These two should not approach each other per meter. I don't know where all these ideas come from in their bird brains, but they can even be considered impressive. If stupidity can be impressive, of course.


	2. Second Day

This old prick (Soldier) fell asleep on duty today, because he obviously ate a shit ton of bread. Scout's brain (not very smart one by the way) came up with a brilliant idea. With his sticky boston hands he stole crayons from Pyro and he got to work. He painted some flowers, zigzags and bows on the helmet.

  
Piece of art, really! Like, seriously, if Adolf had drawn like that we would have avoided the whole mess in '39.

  
The Soldier, of course, when he saw this masterpiece with his own, sticky from laziness, eyes he went batshit crazy. It's good that the kid can run really fucking fast, because it could end dramatically.  
Honestly i don't give a damn about health of any of those. I just don't have the strength or the desire to put these idiots on my operating table for the thousandth time. The perks of being the only doctor on the team.


	3. Third Day

Scout won't survive the day without baseball - it's like an oxygen for him. So since the morning he was tossing balls and hiting them with his stick.Boredom, but for some reason he was constantly making sounds of excitement. Americans are weird.

  
ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO STEALTHILY PUTS A GRANAT INSTEAD OF BASEBALL.YES, I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU, SOLDIER.

  
An outstanding joke, what can i say. Pain and despair rips my heart muscles as I think no one has ever captured the look on the Scout's face as the object he hit with the stick exploded stronger than the fireworks at the Oktoberfest. Wunderbar!


	4. Fourth Day

I don't know what their habits are in Boston, but I guess the people in this neighborhood aren't pedantic.

  
Today Scout was wandering around the base and leaving those damn soda cans everywhere. I had to keep Archimedes away from that rubbish because he started drinking the leftovers and God knows what the hell this kid is drinking.

  
Of course, in Soldier an old reflex, probably instilled in the war, spoke up so he decided to order _Ordnung._

  
It was tragic. The more he whined and the more he tried to clean, the more litter he was. If I hadn't been busy sewing our local Scout and shoving Archimedes away from the cans, I might even have helped. But why tho?


	5. Fifth Day

I was suprised to find out that Scout does not have driving license. Maybe his legs were enough so far and he just ran everywhere?

  
Guys from team were suprised too, so we decided to help Scout somehow. But he said that he can handle it on his own. Nice, I don’t give a fuck, I have better things to do, but Soldier? Oh, boy… He must have made it a point of honor to teach a Scout the complicated art of driving a car.

  
So they went on a ride – he on the passenger seat, Scout behind the wheel obviously and poor Engineer on the back (he had to jump into the shop for tools, and they were going in the same direction).  
Engineer told me what the fuck was going on there. Scout, straining all his few brain cells, tried to take control of the vehicle, and Soldier was making it difficult for him, commenting and criticizing his every move. Apparently, he was constantly waving his hands, effectively reducing the field of view, and he was hysterical at every turn and reminded him to hold the steering wheel properly every second. "Because with car it's a bit like with a woman," Engineer quoted him, being on the verge of vomiting.

  
I don't know how they got from A to B and back unscathed. The scout, as he got out of the car, looked as if he had been pulled out of the washing machine set to the wrong program. The Soldier, on the other hand, did not seem to have had any better fun since 1949, because his wide smile did not leave his face. He slapped the Boston man on the back and mentioned another ride. The Scout looked reconciled with his miserable fate.


	6. Sixth Day

I didn't expect that I wasn't the only bird breeder on the team. Today, Scout could feel the delicate brushes of the eagles' talons trained by the Soldier. Kiddo decided to walk around in a hot dog costume today, but unfortunately he did not know that eagles are sensitive to its shape. After all, they are real American birds - they can sense fast food (even a fake one) from a kilometer. Or from a mile, whatever.

Taking care of scratches on the Scout's body was such a boring job that I almost fell asleep. I was awakened by the screeching of these malicious creatures.

No, not eagles, just Soldier and Scout started arguing. In this case, I have to agree with the latter - we don't need eagles for anything. Their only advantage is that Archimedes and other pigeons do not feel alone. But, on the other hand, the poor birds were concerned to see their predatory cousins.

Oh, go to hell with everything!


	7. Seventh Day

I can’t believe I’m writing this but today was exceptionally quiet.

Soldier had to vent like every week. His stories about how he killed Nazis in bunches during the Second World War, how he hid in a cow dung near the Czech border or how he himself killed both Hitler and Stalin.

We all knew these stories by heart (the Engineer probably even has a cassette record somewhere), but that did not deter the Soldier from telling them again and again. Today he took him back to memories, to fantasizing about the good old days and tormenting random victims with these arguments. Of course, the Scout had the dubious pleasure of hearing these bollocks today. They sat together on a rock, one silent as a rock, the other full of enthusiasm like the waves crashing on the shore. Scout listened to the story with a polite and suffering silence. On his face I saw the same silent torment that can be seen on the faces of the young female workers at the moment when the tenth in a row old man is regaling it with sentence like “your body is too hot for you to work here, sweetheart”.

If Scout hadn't been gripped by the stiff claws of the team's etiquette, he would certainly have kicked Soldier’s ass.


	8. Eighth Day

I should have seen that coming.

Soldier got a grunt from yesterday's monologues and is now barely breathing. He were communicating by signs and messages in a notebook. Unfortunately, his spelling, grammar and human dignity are not good, so the signs were a better option.

Scout looked delighted. He picked on Soldier and maliciously asked him complicated questions. Soldier was furious, turning red like a communist flag, and waving his hands with the speed and enthusiasm of a hummingbird over three _Bonk! Atomic Punch _. He even chased him sometimes, swinging a shovel, but please. Catch up with Scout? It is as impossible as me getting my medical license back…__

____

____

Eh, what the hell was I stealing that spine for?!


	9. Ninth Day

I don't have the strength for them anymore.

Today, the Soldier completed his weekly heavy military training. As he says himself, he cannot fall out of the form of a true American freedom fighter. That's why he practiced push-ups from the morning. Even though he _practiced_ is not accurate word...

HE WAS WORKING SO FUCKING HARD.

In the end, he decided that his own body weight was not enough, so he started doing push-ups with the weight - with the Engineer's cannon on his back, with the Engineer himself, or with Sasha. Even I sat on his back for a while, but I had to get back to work quickly.

He also persuaded Scout to be a weight for him. And that would be okay. If it ended on one side. But Scout stood up to the push-up and started fooling around. Soldier didn't seem to understand the joke and jumped onto its frail spine with the force of a small atomic bomb.

Yes, now I am folding the poor man. At east I have something to do.


	10. Tenth Day

Today it was extremely peaceful. Scout is still rehabilitating, and Soldier seems to be consumed by his guilt.


	11. Eleventh Day

Of course, the idyll could not last long.

Scout is still recovering, but it doesn't stop him from harassing Soldier. He _so fucking _suddenly remember the goggle helmet Soldier had made centuries ago. He found it at the bottom of some dusty chest and put it on his head. When Soldier saw it, he tried to take it off. But as is well known, Scout simply cannot be caught up.__

__

__Unfortunately, Scout seems to have forgotten that every helmet of his American buddy does not provide the slightest field of view. It's easy to guess that he fell over and broke his stupid face._ _

__

__Hmm, I wonder who had to put him together ?!_ _


	12. Twelfth Day

When one is calm, the other does some weird shit.

Actually, I am not sure whether it makes sense to continue this journal. Unless I make a chronicle of it. Or better, the entire archive.

Their strange, based on mutual sticks and a generational gap deep like the Marian Trench, relationship will probably go on like this for years, evolving with the clumsiness of the last creature in the food chain, transforming into something. But in what?

In a long-term friendship, or just for many years of stabing each other In the backs?

Or, in the case of Scout and Soldier, these two types of relationship are not opposites at all, but just two ends of the same stick?

Oh, well… 

You won't find out from me. I'm going to take care of Soldier, because he again decided that passing a crowbar instead of a baseball bat was a great joke.


End file.
